The Practice of Being Enough

Image from hotblack

Together with my wonderful book club, I'm reading Tara Brach's 'Radical Acceptance.' Last night we gathered to talk about the first few chapters and Brach's concept of the 'trance of unworthiness." She says we are all living under the shadow of feeling like we are not enough: not successful enough, not desirable enough, not calm enough. 

We all agreed - and we're tired of it! We're ready to wake up from the trance. What good is it to live under a spell that keeps us from loving ourselves as we are? Still imperfect, but so lovely and needed in this aching world. 

"Can you guys think of a time when you did feel worthy?" one friend asked. 

"It's a good question," someone said, and we were quiet.

In our circle, there are some of the strongest and most beautiful women I know. A hospice worker who rests with dying people all day and then eagerly wants to know about your day when you see her. 

Another friend joined us straight from work, where she holds leadership positions beyond her years. She once wandered Northern India by herself for two weeks and she's doing the most courageous thing of all: trying (and waiting) to get pregnant.

The third is my kindred, Cristina. I often think of her in my most self-critical moments. I try to connect with her serene way of calming me down. "Hey, Linds, it's okay." She lives out her values better than anyone I know, from the type of environmentally-friendly soaps she chooses to the gentle way she teaches me to knit.

Oh, not to mention they all hold master's degrees from the county's #1 social work program. They all are doing amazing work in the world.

Let me tell you: These women are worthy!

So why is it so damn hard to end the self-hatred and love the goodness of who we are ?

Brach identifies a few ways that we try to "manage the pain of inadequacy." I share them with you in the form of questions meant to probe your thought patterns and unveil little opportunities for growth: 

• Do you embark on one self-improvement project after another? Are you on a perpetual diet, always making lists, always researching, enrolling in classes to make up for a feeling of not knowing enough? Brach points out that these are all worthwhile endeavors, but less so when they are motivated from not being good enough, when they are frantic attempts to reject how we actually are.
• Do you hold back and play it safe rather than risk failure? That means backing down from invitations to gatherings, avoiding intimate relationships, putting your art projects to the side out of fear of saying what you really mean, or living how you really want to live.
• Do you withdraw from the experience of the present moment? If you're like me, and you're constantly checking your email at red lights out of momentary boredom, the answer is yes.
• Do you keep busy? Like too busy? Think about the last time you filled a gap in your schedule by lying on the couch, enjoying classical music, or paced through the park for the joy of it - and not to get your heart rate up? Are you afraid of the loneliness you might encounter without plans on a Friday night?
• Are you your own worst critic? Self-hate is seeing our weaknesses as deep character flaws.
• Are you focusing on other people's faults? Perhaps that's your way of shifting the weight perceived failure onto others when it gets a bit too heavy to carry on your own. 

The point of this self-inventory isn't to shame or create a guilty response. It's about spinning the self-critique on its head to see that, yes, you are enough. You've always been enough and you're always going to be enough. 

It just takes a daily ritual to shake us from the trance - a practice I find to be some of the most beautiful, enriching part of the work I do with my clients.

I call it "the practice of being enough."

I'll pass on one simple exercise to get you started.

Take time to think about one word or image that grounds you in your true self- the purest, innermost part of yourself. The part that you know is whole and worthy.

I like to share the words of my spiritual director, who developed a mantra in response to a hurt from his father. He was an excellent athlete, and one day finished first in the running and swimming events at a triathlon. But, as his father reminded him at the finish line, "Yes, but you were only third in the cycling event." That comment made his self-confidence sink - and it also inspired him to take back his power.

He began to heal from his trance by creating this mantra: "I am beautiful, I am precious, I am important."

He recites it to himself in moments of feeling sucked back into old thought patterns.

I encourage you to do the same. Respond to the most gripping messages of your trance with a mantra that embodies the truth of who you are. It will always be there for you and it will always bring you back to peace.